One day I prayed a simple prayer to the Lord. “Lord, I pray in Jesus’ Name, please remove anything that is hindering my walk with You.” Little did I know that a miracle would transpire. More importantly, little did I know what exactly He would remove!
Within two weeks after praying that prayer, during the night I felt as though something was happening inside me. It’s not easy to explain. Do you know the feeling when you kind of wake up but not really? I woke up just enough to feel something inside. I wasn’t afraid, but somehow I just knew. I felt a peace so there was no need to awaken fully and open my eyes, I just knew that something was going on inside of me – I was being healed. Like I said, it’s hard to explain. I just knew that something was happening, but it wasn’t an urgent feeling that I had to wake up.
When I woke up, I practically leaped out of bed. “My mother loved me!”, I exclaimed. I started leaping up and down and saying, “My mother really did love me!”. I knew deep within my heart and I was fully convinced that my mother loved me.
Well, let me explain this. You see, for my entire life I believed that my mother did not really love me. My mother died when I was 17 years old, and a little more than a year later my father died when I was 18. But for the time that my mother was alive, I believed in my heart that she really didn’t love me. My father, on the other hand, was a father and mother figure combined. When I was young, he would tuck me in bed at night, rub my back and talk to me about my day. My mother would stand at the door of my bedroom after I crawled into bed and would ask if I brushed my teeth. I don’t ever remember her coming to my bedside.
When I fractured my foot, my father came home every day at lunch to re-bandage and take care of my foot. My father taught me to read a map by having me navigate our way on vacation, and built the habit in me of remembering where he parked the car, and this occurred was when I was between 9 and 13 years old. Although he worked two jobs, he was endearing in his instruction and guidance toward me when he was home.
My mother, on the other hand, always had me leave the house. “Go out and play” was the most common phrase I heard. She enrolled me in so many lesson opportunities after school or during the summer, including not only learning how to play the piano and guitar, but also taking swimming, tennis, sewing and macrame lessons. She made me take a typing class one summer between sixth and seventh grades, and then another summer I had to walk to the YMCA to volunteer and take care of children. She made me enroll in Girl Scouts, and signed me up for a modeling class. This is all before I was 15 years old. One time, she suggested that I go to Europe for high school! I was floored. My reaction was why would I want to go to a foreign country for high school? For the year before she died, she would suggest various different colleges that she thought would be great for me to go to, but I made a mental note that these colleges were all located far away from where we lived.
Well, one would think that a mother like that would be great! What a wonderful way to educate their child and expose them to numerous different opportunities. Why didn’t I see it that way? Instead, I was sad and disappointed that my mother was pushing me out of the house all of the time. Through all this the message I received was, “Why doesn’t she want me? Why doesn’t she love me? Why does she always want me to leave?”
For Christmas, my mother would give me lots of gifts. Most kids would love this. I didn’t. My mother would be disappointed in my reaction at opening gifts and ask me why I wasn’t happy or excited. How do you tell your mother that you don’t want gifts – you want her affection? I didn’t want to receive gifts from her. I just wanted hugs or affection.
Here’s the thing. What did my heart say about my mother? She didn’t love me. My heart wanted a mother who was affectionate. I don’t know how to explain it. I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew that my mother didn’t love me. My heart was 100% confident in this fact.
Eventually, after my mother’s death, I understood my mother’s background growing up and she did not learn mothering skills. I learned that her mother died before she was 5 years old, her father was an alcoholic, and she was passed around from family member to family member while growing up. I understand. But head knowledge is different than what your heart believes. I knew in my head that my mother did not have mothering skills, but my heart was firm that she didn’t love me and as a result, I did not want to receive anything from her. And then when my parents passed away, I decided that I had to be self-sufficient.
So, decades later, when I asked God to remove anything that is hindering my walk with Him, little did I know that He would heal my heart toward my mother! During the night, while I slept, God healed my heart toward my mother! And that wasn’t even my prayer!! I asked God why my firm belief toward my mother was hindering my walk with Him. What I learned is this. Because I believed that my mother didn’t love me, I did not want to receive any gifts from her. As a result, I really didn’t want to receive things from people. I thought I was self-sufficient. However, God wants to give me things and my resistance to receiving things needed to be removed!
My belief that my mother didn’t love me spanned decades – yes, decades. But God healed my heart overnight – one night – while I slept! The elation that I felt that morning when I woke up was amazing. I jumped up and down for joy, I praised God, and I thanked Him for healing my heart! More importantly, my heart REALLY WAS changed as a result of His healing! After decades of a firm, 100% confident belief about my mother, God healed and changed my heart overnight. OVERNIGHT!
God wants me to learn how to receive. So every time someone says, “I want to give this to you”, I can now say, “thank you!”. And, thank You, God, for healing my heart and changing my perspective!
When I asked God to remove what was hindering my relationship with Him, I never, in my wildest imagination, thought that it was my decade-old heart belief that hindered my relationship. Previously, you could not convince me that my mother loved me. After God changed my heart, I am confident that she loved me and you can not convince me otherwise!
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